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Post by Smitty on Apr 22, 2006 11:15:47 GMT -5
I figured I'd start a thread where we could post jokes and other funny stuff we come across on the net.
I just got this one in my email...
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Post by Brian Hackett on Apr 22, 2006 12:44:36 GMT -5
Great thread! And that bass boat is one of the funniest things I have ever seen. Looks like a big Alabama Crimson Tide fan. LOL!
Joke:
A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"
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Post by AeroMess on Apr 22, 2006 20:59:23 GMT -5
I loved the pet carrier and the palm pilot! ROFL! That other joke about Batman is pretty funny too!
There were two blondes, who went deep into the woods, searching for a
Christmas tree.
After hours of subzero temperatures and a few close calls with hungry
wolves, one blonde turned to the other and said, "I'm chopping down the next
tree I see. I don't care whether it's decorated or not!"
A police recruit was asked during the exam, "What
would you do if you had to
arrest your own mother?" He said, "Call for
backup."
A man and his wife were arguing and he said to her, "Why did God have to make you so beautiful and yet so stupid?'
She replied, "He made me beautiful so you would fall in love with me. He made me stupid so I would fall in love with you."
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Post by Brian Hackett on Apr 23, 2006 20:26:34 GMT -5
Bill Gates in Hell
Upon dying, Bill Gates went to purgatory.
St. Peter said to his, “Now Bill, you have done some good things, and you have done some bad things. Now I am going to let you decide where you want to go".
So, Bill takes a look at hell and see's these beautiful women running around, in 80 degree temperature, on beautiful beaches.
Then he took a look at heaven and it was nice, you know harps and singing and worship and stuff like that.
So he said to St. Peter that he would like to go to hell.
About a week later, St. Peter went down to hell to check on Bill. There he saw him, being whipped by demons.
He said to St. Peter, “What happened to all the beautifull women, and the beaches and the 80 degree temperature?”
Peter replied, “That was just the screen saver.”
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Post by AeroMess on Apr 23, 2006 20:41:05 GMT -5
Lol. Good one!
This isn't exactly a joke, but I found it funny. I was just on the IMDB, reading Cary Grant's biography and it said this was one of his favorite poems:
They bought me a box of tin soldiers
I threw all the Generals away
I smashed up the Sergents and Majors
Now I play with my Privates all day."
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Post by Brian Hackett on Apr 25, 2006 23:25:31 GMT -5
Great one Aeromass!!
Four Men and Their Dogs
Four men, an Engineer, an Accountant, a Chemist and a Government Worker were bragging about how smart their dogs were.
To show off, the Engineer called to his dog and said, "T-Square, do your stuff."
T- square trotted over to a desk, took out some paper and a pen and promptly drew a circle, a square and a triangle. Everyone agreed that was pretty smart. But the Accountant said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Slide Rule, do your stuff."
Slide Rule went out into the kitchen and returned with a dozen cookies. He divided them into 4 equal piles of 3 cookies each. Everyone agreed that was good. But the Chemist said his dog could do better. He called his dog and said, "Measure, do your stuff."
Measure got up, walked over to the fridge, took out a quart of milk, got a 10 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured exactly 8 ounces without spilling a drop. Everyone agreed that was good. Then the three men turned to the Government Worker and said, "What can your dog do?"
The Government Worker called to his dog and said, "Coffee Break, do your stuff."
Coffee Break jumped to his feet, ate the cookies, drank the milk, dumped on the paper, molested the other three dogs, claimed he injured his back while doing so, filed a grievance report for unsafe working conditions, put in for Worker's Compensation and went home on sick leave
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Post by AeroMess on Apr 25, 2006 23:48:20 GMT -5
Bwahahahahaha!
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Post by Smitty on Apr 26, 2006 8:29:04 GMT -5
^ PMSL!!!  |
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Post by Nix on Apr 26, 2006 14:39:00 GMT -5
ROFLMAO
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Post by Smitty on Apr 27, 2006 10:33:21 GMT -5
Gay Flight Attendant
The plane's cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight
attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing
down the aisle and announced to the passengers, "Captain Marvey has
asked me to announce that he'll be landing this big, scary plane
shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up your trays, that
would be super."
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed that a woman hadn't moved a
muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines. I asked you
to raise your trazy-poo so the main man can pitty-pat us down on the
ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a
princess. I take orders from no one."
Without missing a beat, the flight attendant replied, "Well,
sweet-cheeks, in my country, I'm called a queen, so I outrank you. Put
the tray up, now."
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Post by AeroMess on Apr 27, 2006 16:28:43 GMT -5
Love that one!!
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Post by AeroMess on May 3, 2006 0:57:04 GMT -5
On his trip to Great Britain, George Bush had a meeting with Queen Elizabeth.
He asked her, "How does one manage to run a country so smoothly?"
"That’s easy," she replied, "You surround yourself with Intelligent
ministers and advisors."
"But how can I tell whether they are intelligent or not?" he inquired.
"You ask them a riddle," she replied, and with that she pressed a
button and said, "Would you please send Tony Blair in." When Blair arrived, the Queen said, "I have a riddle for you to answer for me.
Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not
your brother. Who was this child?" Blair replied, "That’s easy. The child was me."
"Very good," said the Queen, "You may go, now."
So President Bush went back to Washington and called in his chief of staff, Karl Rove. He said to him, "I have a riddle for you, and the answer is very important. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was this child?"
Rove replied, "Yes, it is clearly very important that we determine
the answer since no child must be left behind. May I ponder this for a while?? "Yes," said Bush, "I'll give you four hours to come up with the answer."
So Rove went and called a meeting of the White House Staff, and asked them the riddle. But after much discussion and many suggestions, none of them had a satisfactory answer. So he was quite upset, not knowing what he would tell the President.
As Rove was walking back to the Oval Office, he saw former Secretary of State Colin Powell approaching him. So he said, "Mr. Secretary, can you answer this riddle for me. Your parents had a child and it was not your sister and it was not your brother. Who was the child?"
"That's easy," said Powell, "The child was me."
"Oh thank you," said Rove, "You may just have saved me my job!"
So Rove went in to the Oval Office and said to President Bush, "I
think I know the answer to your riddle. The child was Colin Powell!"
"No, you idiot!" shouted Bush, "The child was Tony Blair!"
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Post by Nix on May 3, 2006 13:07:42 GMT -5
LMAO!
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Post by Brian Hackett on May 3, 2006 17:53:17 GMT -5
Judi goes into work one morning crying her eyes out. Her boss concerned about all his employees well being asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
To which the blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss feeling very sorry at this point explains to the young girl. "Why don't you go home for the day... we aren't terribly busy just take the day off to relax and rest."
Judi very calmly states, "No.. I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows her to work as usual... "If you need anything just let me know."
A few hours pass and the boss decides to check on Judi. He looks out his office and sees her crying hysterically. He rushes out to her asking, "What's so bad now? Are you going to be ok? What's wrong?"
Judi breaks down in tears, "I just received a horrible call from my sister. She said that *her* mom died too!!"
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Post by AeroMess on May 3, 2006 18:14:12 GMT -5
Good one! Judi had to have been blonde! No offense, blondes.
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